The Recluse


We all have a struggle. Somewhere inside of us there is something that we would like to change, somewhere else we would rather be, something we would like to forget and something we would like to accomplish.  Why else would we get up every morning and walk out the door toward our destiny, day after day after day?

But there is nothing worse than the curse of the talented.

Every day when I wake up, my mind is running in a million different directions, thinking, wanting, creating, editing.  My life is on front street for everyone to ridicule and judge, how brave am I  to offer my life for you all to comment on, dissect, rip apart and throw away while I build a legacy with the bricks thrown at me day after day or so it seems, maybe some of you are throwing rose petals? But in my creative mind, I’m at war with the audience, I can not see, my guard is up, my slip constantly showing.  I can only feel.

I mean let’s face it…

In the era of social media, millions of people, hell even me, mainly me!!! sit back and wait for a story to be posted, a book to be released, a song to be featured so that we can offer our commentary as if someone asked us.  Being on the other side of the insults is hard, especially when you choose to make a living off of being a conversation piece.  But all I want is peace.

Years and years of trying to perfect my craft and perfect myself so that my little creative world can be perfect for me and only me to live in, can do a number on your soul, your mind, your outlook on people.

Because the truth of the matter is, not every one is a thinker or a writer or a visionary, not every one is kind.  So the curse of the talented is that we lose friends constantly because we grow at more rapid speeds than others, and some folks either don’t try to keep up or they throw shots at what they don’t understand.

And I, being the creative woman that I am, do not have the bandwidth to endure bullshit.

My wifi connection is fucked up when it comes to connecting with ignorant, hateful, jealous folks.

I won’t try to understand why you don’t understand me, it is that simple.

There is no room in my mind so that may make me come off as cold but I am not, I am just protecting my gift.

I don’t sleep ever, I simply rest for a few hours, giving myself just enough energy to start the machine all over again.

I love like the characters in my novels, with everything.

I  have a constant desire to be great, to want change, to be productive.

It doesn’t fucking stop for me… ever. There is never a time when I’m not doing anything at all, even when I am sitting still, my mind is working over time sending out all kinds of energies into the universe.

And while the rest of the world sits content in mediocrity and/or blending in with the crowd… the curse of the talented is that I stand out like a sore thumb constantly, forced into introversion because I have long grown sick of people judging me for being different as if that is what I chose to be.

I’m just trying to be me.

I’m just babbling…

Over thinking

Under caring

Abundantly loving

I think of how many invitations I turn down weekly because I rather be at home staring into space, waiting for ideas to be produced.

Oh how I wish sometimes I felt excitement and joy when given the opportunity to be around others. It doesn’t excite me much and I can’t apologize for wanting to be around the people in my head instead… but am I guilty for wanting people to keep trying though I constantly turn them away? With Love?

Or how I rather write a book then write a tip on a receipt after hanging out at a restaurant eating food that I really didn’t enjoy.

How time spent around people is minimal because I just can’t bare.  It is rare and a struggle to stay put and allow so many different energies consume me at one time.  I can’t even enjoy people, I’m too busy looking through their souls, trying to figure out are they worth writing about.

People, who are beautiful in their own right, their own world, milling about but I have realized a long time ago, that their world is not my world, it has never been my world.

As a young girl though I gathered many many many times on project benches and have gone to house parties there is a part of me that wasn’t there all the time,  a part of me that would disappear while everyone was too busy huddled in a group I’d wander off alone.

Because I just can’t deal.

I fight for peace of mind more than anything because my mind is my money, my mind is my world, my mind is my life my mind is my solace. I protect it with the fierceness of a lion people just don’t understand how I can’t even fathom entertaining something that will taint this superior mind.

I get turned off quickly …

Long before people called it “shade” I was just being Ayana, being me, a loner not to be confused with some woe is me story at all, I’m not victim or victor…

but simply me wanting to be alone with my thoughts and ideas because I had some shit I needed to get off my chest and people just disrupt my entire thought process as I rather think than talk.

It’s complicated.

Being me is really fucking complicated.

Behind my smile is a woman with thoughts, lots and lots of thoughts that keep me company, better company than any man or friend.

I want to be alone and I want people to love me for it and come around me anyway so I can turn them away when I feel like it and they don’t get mad and call me rude or shady because they simply understand that I am who I am and I need my space randomly at their expense.

I place myself in situations when I need the dope energy of humans and I get just enough then go back into my mind and begin again.

Am I making sense to anybody out there?

The curse of the talented is that the jones of creativity will come down on us randomly, at a best friends wedding, a loved ones funeral, a girls night out and we will shut down and focus on that moment of creativity and put it before anything and everybody.

People just don’t understand that we rather be accompanied by our thoughts than anything else. Because when I step out into the world I give it all I got, I give all of me, raw uncut and them someone cuts me and though that is to be expected, I can not deal so I run back and hide where I am safe, alone with my thoughts…

Anybody out there feeling me?


One thought on “The Recluse

  1. I can relate to this post. The world was created in darkness which is why the darkness of our created ideas are very brilliant. It is empowering to know that you can be safe in your head while many others seek thrills to avoid what they think. #passionwins

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