Category: Conversations With Yaya

Why the 90 Day Rule Isn’t Half Bad and The Benefits of Being Honest With Yourself

This video discusses a different way to approach the 90 day wait period before you get sexual with a man.
It’s not about waiting 90 days before giving a man some. It’s about giving yourself enough time to assess a man’s true intentions before giving him a part of you that you can not get back.

It also discusses the benefits of being honest enough with yourself to make necessary changes for a better life!

Why I Have Not And Probably Will NEVER Get Over Losing Prince

Picture it 1984, it was a Sunday, I remember because that was “movie day” for my 3 siblings and I. Mommy would take us from Bushwick to Flatbush to that big movie theater, it might be Kings Theater now, not sure, it’s been so long. But what I do remember is her taking us to see Purple Rain.  I vaguely remember his songs before going to see that movie, but I remember knowing every word, every song, every eye movement, every dance, every punchline when I walked out of that theater. I wasn’t even 10 years old when that movie came out.  But I remember falling in love with this pretty, sexy mother &%O*%_# who humped stages; Continue reading “Why I Have Not And Probably Will NEVER Get Over Losing Prince”

Cynthia Bailey on Entrepreneurship and staying focused

Before she was Nene Leakes “bestie,” on the Real Housewives of Atlanta, Cynthia Bailey was a real house hold name among the fashion elite, gracing the covers of some of the worlds top fashion magazines.  Yes, one thing is for sure, you all got Ms. Bailey effed up.  This woman is a legend in her own right, you could find Cynthia styling alongside the likes of Beverly Johnson, Naomi, Iman and Tyra. Continue reading “Cynthia Bailey on Entrepreneurship and staying focused”


A Poem I wrote called “Life”
Life ain’t all positive
We CHOOSE to find the positive in each day.
We post positive things
We train our minds to think positive as much as we often can because WE KNOW that life ain’t all positive all the time
and it’s okay
Because life was not meant to be easy
life is not all happy, go go gadget sunshine every day.
It’s not all roses
you’re bound to prick your finger
Life is hard
even when you are happy
and have your Faith in God
We still fear the negative the life can bring us at any given moment
snatching the sunshine out of our smiles
the air out of our kisses
the love out of our hands…
and that is why every day we all pray, meditate, cut folks off, change jobs, change up our routine as a way to combat life’s ills…
pain, bad energies etc
Some of us change everything around us but never once think of changing ourselves.. imagine that..
Life is not all fucking good and that’s the dope part about it!
Jumping hurdles, testing your endurance and strength
Falling, competing with yourself, being a warrior
laughing at your mistakes and learning
getting your heart broken and learning
wanting something so bad you’re yearning
Life then becomes a scavenger hunt
Turning you into a savage
But you gotta keep a positive outlook right?
Life is not all fucking good and perfect
and you know what?
people who act like their life is so perfect….scares me..
Because they are out of touch
They are unreal
Or maybe it’s me that can’t see the beauty in the sky….
Doubt it..
Be Good To Yourself
Be Great!

Day 3: Ayana’s Affirmations: “Rejuvenate Your Circle”

Let’s face it.  People are fucking draining yo.  Everybody’s coming around with their damn problems as if your life is all peaches and cream.  Every time you turn around  you’re getting dumped on by someone who doesn’t know how to make a rational adult decision to get them out of the rut they are in.  Day after day they talk your head off about whatever that thing is and if you care about this person, it will begin to effect you.  Multiply this by all the people you have bonded with in your life over the years.  How many of them seemingly handle life’s pressures with grace and not complaint? I mean nobody is perfect but you have folks who whine all day and then you have folks who handle their business. Between those folks and all of the shit you have going on in your life no wonder your ass is crazy and don’t wanna come outside!

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I mean my God every corner you turn there’s someone complaining about their low pay, their ain’t shit baby daddy, their edges, their stomach fat, their night classes, their lazy husband, their allergy to cheese, it’s always something not to mention all of your drama and now you find yourself in a rut, because you have taken on every one else’s blues plus your own. You don’t even remember who the hell you were before all of this. You can’t tell the last time you and your girls went out just to have fun and not to form an intervention or cheer up a heartbroken friend.  Think about it. You are not the same person that you use to be because of who you are surrounding yourself with.  You’ve taken it down a few notches and have become a lazy lima bean not wanting to do anything if it doesn’t involve the remote, wine and stress. You don’t laugh nearly as much as you use to. You don’t socialize as much as you use to. Life has beaten you down.  Your problems and your loved ones problems have totally fucked you up.

Welp you know what you need to do!

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Cut them bitches off!  No… life isn’t always about “cutting people off.”  Sometimes you have to be the one to rejuvenate your circle!  If you and all of your closest friends are all under one frumpy sweater, what do you think is going to happen when you cut them off and find yourself a so called new clique of “better friends?” Not a damn thing because those bitches got problems too and you will find that out soon enough! So it’s not about running away from your problems or shitting on your friends, its about finding a new way to deal with life without letting it bring you down! Sometimes when the air is just too thick and the girls are talking too much downtrodden bullshit you gotta just change the filter and get some fresh air going! You might have to be the one to sprinkle glitter on yo bitches!

Be an example for the women in your circle.  Everybody is too damn tired to make a change but there has to be ONE person in the crew that says you know what? Fuck this shit, I’ve had enough, we are some damn good women and we deserve to be out there living life like everybody else!  In order to pull this off, this person will somewhat distance themselves for a quick moment, nothing to cause alarm like most bitches, but to get ahead of the game just a little bit so that she can reach back to pull her sisters up.  Whether she ventured out and found a new spot for you all to go to every Sunday or if she found a new store for you guys to shop or a new topic to excite you all to take your mind off your blues or if she simply got her shit all the way together and is spreading that good ole fashioned energy on her girls to give you all hope, somebody has to do the job.  It’s not all about cutting bitches off.

Check it, when your beloved smart phone is acting up because you done drained the life out of the battery and you over charged it so much that its not working properly what do you do?  You instantly turn into tech support for your phone, you take the battery out, you let it rest for a while,  you don’t bother it or stress it. You want your phone to work at its best and fullest capacity. Why not treat yourself and your circle the same way that you treat your precious cell phone?

Perception is everything and all it takes is one of you to see things differently, just one! And once you begin to open up more, live life more, see the glass half full and begin to make positive changes in your life, it should without a doubt encourage your closest peers to do the same! You chicks can not be on the phone, day in and day out complaining about the same ole bullshit!

But in order to help anyone you have to help yourself.  You’ve got to put yourself on pause for a second to recharge your battery to get your life! No way should you be laying around stressing over things you have no control over.  No way should past mistakes and indiscretions be holding you back. No way should you and everybody in your circle be a bag of funk, everybody can’t be fucked up, it’s like the blind leading the blind! No way should you be unhappy when this big ole world is filled with so many outlets to little by little assist you in getting out of your funk.  It’s preposterous to trip over something that’s behind you.  Accept where you are in life and make the best of it, eventually you will begin to move up in the ranks of your life once you begin to appreciate yourself more! Nobody owes you shit. Stop waiting for that ship to come in, jump yo ass in the ocean and get to swimming! Rewind yourself back to a time when you dressed yourself up, laughed more, socialized a bit more and gave the Universe joy!  I know you miss it, you just don’t know how to get back in the mix.

There is no such thing as being too grown or too busy to laugh, smile and be around good folk. Stop making excuses and stop using the word “introvert” to cover up your unhappiness or use that as an excuse to neglect your loved ones.  You can’t just become an introvert over night. Either you or born that way or not!  The world deserves to feel the warmth of your smile.  The trees want to sway with the vibration of your laughter.  You have got to pick yourself up, get out there and enjoy this God given earth before you die. You and your girls deserve to be out there winning!

Because babyyyyyy let me tell you something.  Once you let the bullshit pile up on you, you will attract more and more junk, like a hoarder and the next thing you know your buried in the bullshit and its going to be extra, extra hard to get out of that. People are going to have to dig through the layers to find you and that can become exhausting.  Now you feel abandoned because nobody is around in your time of need. No honey bunch, such is not the case!  The problem is they just cant find you and the digging gets tiresome!  Lose a ring in the sand, go ahead. After a while you’re going to get tired of trying to find it and you’re eventually going to say man fuck that ring and walk away. Your friends will begin to treat you the same if you don’t cut the shit.

Now, if you and your friends sit around all day talking about how hard life is, and how ni**as ain’t shit, and how stressed you are and how broke you are etc, you will never, ever, ever prosper. EVER.  There is power in your words so be mindful of what you keep telling yourself. You will eventually begin to live it.

The next time that you pick up the phone to text or call your home girl, THINK about the topic that you are about to start.  Be mindful of the energy you give off on the other end of that jack. There is nothing wrong with talking to your friends about life’s ills but you have got to find something new to discuss and bring positive vibes in to rejuvenate your circle.  Be open to change.

Now you may find that one or two friends may have flown the coop claiming to have outgrown you, fuck em, let me fly!  But the rest of you, if you all are truly birds of a feather then you will indeed flock and shine together.

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Day 2: Ayana’s Affirmations: “CLAP FOR YOUR MOTHERFU*KING SELF

We all have different goals, but can we all agree that we share one common goal which is to be happy? We are all searching for that high that will bring us so much joy that we can’t stand ourselves.  Every day we wake up,  the mission is to get one step closer to what makes us burst at the seems with happiness.

But if what we set out to achieve is for us and only us, then why is it that we seek so much validation from others?

This era that we live in now is the most self-absorbed, self-centered, whiney, validation needing, attention seeking, silliest era of all times.  Look around you:

Every move we make, we post on Facebook, we post where we are, what we’re wearing tonight, who we are with, what  the insides of our homes look like, who our mates are, what they drive, where they live, what they do for a living just so that people, most of them we barely know, can “like” it.  And we have become so consumed with “likes” that if one chooses simply not to hit that button, he/she will risk being called a hater or jealous.  What if he or she simply in their minds and hearts acknowledged you and smiled inside but didn’t hit a like to show everyone else that they liked what you did.  What does it matter? What’s in a like?

Do you simply do things to get a reaction from others or are you really living YOUR TRUTH? Is every move that you make based on getting validation and approval from others? Do you wait around to see who will clap for you, who will applaud you, who will shake their pom poms for you, or are you living your life how you want to live it? We get so caught up wanting to make others “hate” that we drain ourselves and deprive ourselves of our own real joy!!!

It’s like going to an exciting light show, or seeing your favorite artist in concert.  How can you truly enjoy the show if you have your phone out, tweeting and Facebooking every thing that’s happening around you?  You’re not truly enjoying yourself or taking the time out to bask in the ambience of the moment for all that it is, you’re just there to let others know that’s where you are.  So when you do something and you instantly seek validation you take away from the sincerity and ingenuity of those who want to “like” what you do when you’re seemingly begging for them to like it.

On another note, if you’re really doing your numbers and there isn’t any one around to say good job and offer to take you out for celebratory drinks or even picking up the phone to say, “yaaaaaaaaz you did that!” Then guess what. You have to CLAP FOR YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SELF! Continue reading “Day 2: Ayana’s Affirmations: “CLAP FOR YOUR MOTHERFU*KING SELF”

Teach What You Know

When we walk through those dark valleys of life and we fight to find our light at the end of the tunnel we tend to forget about those who are in the valley with us along the way. We see the light and instantly turn selfish, we no longer need those who traveled with us, we cut the strings and venture out on our own.  That is not the way to be.  You can not forget those or leave those behind who walked those walks with you just to perform in the face of those who really don’t know you or the root of you.  But some of us get to our sunshine and so desperately fight to forget where we came from.  We don’t want any remnants of our past to show up in your present or future.  But your past builds your present.  Who would you be without what you went through?

No one is saying stay stuck in the past.   Your past is not a destination but instead a point of reference. Continue reading “Teach What You Know”

Don’t Fight The Process


There is a quote from one of my favorite wordsmiths Rumi where she says:

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”
What does this mean to you?  Have you ever lost something that you held so dear to your heart and felt as if you didn’t know how you were going to make it through the day? Have you ever been so in love and when the relationship failed you couldn’t see the light of day? You didn’t know whether to shit or go blind? You didn’t know which way was up? Don’t nobody wanna hear about how great it’s going to be later. Nobody wants to hear the same old “it’s going to be okay” bullshit.  Nobody wants to hear that. We are hurting now and we want to know why NOW we want the pain to go away NOW NOW NOW NOW!
But let’s think for a second.  Did you not bring this pain on to yourself? Hold on! Before you blame anybody else, think about what you allowed.  Think for a second.  Against your better judgement think about how you hold on to things that you knew you needed to let go of. Think about being in the wrong relationship, wrong job, wrong friendship, wrong place.  Think about how tight you held on to it because you wanted it to work so bad.  When something is “right” for you, you don’t have to work that hard to keep it.  It is only when things aren’t right for us that we go all out to maintain it, right?  But the Universe has other plans for you my dear and so when that “thing” that you hold on so tightly to gets ripped from your grasp, it has to be done so in a way that makes you stop and say, No More, I have no more in me to chase or hold on to this thing.   It’s violent, its sudden, it’s shocking it leaves you wondering WTF? Why?

Continue reading “Don’t Fight The Process”

INTERVIEW: Vikki S. Ziegler Bravo’s Hit Show “Untying the Knot”

vikki ziegler, divorce dating

Vikki S. Ziegler Payne, Esq. is a multi-layered talent: a practicing attorney of matrimonial law and civil litigation; a television personality known for her commentaries on high-profile cases; an active volunteer for women’s and children’s charities; and the innovator of a unique and realistic approach to “divorce management.” She is often called on to give her expert advice on television, radio and print for the past several years. She is on HLN/CNN, Fox News and Fox Business Channel weekly. She has been on CNBC, MSNBC, Fox 5, TAlk Soup on E!, WPIX, CBS, ESPN and many other networks. She was featured in a Documentary for HBO called “BROKE” featuring her commentary on athletes and divorce. She has contributed to top publication such as People Magazine, Ok!, US Weekly, Life and Styles and most recently Bravo’s hit show, Untying The Knot. Vikki S. Ziegler Payne, Esq. is a multi-faceted, Educated, Accomplished woman.

Ayana: Vikki, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to sit with me!
Vikki: Thank you for having me, its my pleasure.
Ayana: You wear so many different hats! What was your motivation behind practicing matrimonial law and what do you believe makes you an expert?
Vikki: My parents divorce at age 12 triggered a strong urge to assist children going through divorce as well as litigants. I have been affected by divorce and can tell my clients I have walked in their shoes literally. I truly understand how difficult it is to go through a family break up and can use my vast knowledge and experience to help clients in tremendous need.
Ayana: Does your passion for the betterment of women derive from personal experiences?
Vikki: I am a humanitarian at heart. I love helping people – both male and females. I do have a strong sense of self and have gone through my trial and tribulations which have taught me the best way to help you is to give back. I feel compelled to better my clients and society as a whole and feel as though I can do that with my experience in the underbelly of the family law world. Women tend to gravitate to me as role model and take that very seriously. I want to be sure that can help those looking for guidance in a righteous and ethical manner.
Ayana: That is so commendable, its very important for young women to have a role model to look up to. Please tell us a bit about your book “The Premarital Planner” and what you would like your readers to learn from this book.
Vikki: It is a book that has taken me many years to cull as a way to help couples before they decide to wed – pre marital planning is a key element to safe guarding a couples longevity which is greatly missing in today’s culture. The divorce rate is 50% for first time couples in part due to the fact that many do not discuss the pressing issues BEFORE they wed. My book has interactive charts for both partners to fill out, pointers and statistics to help couples navigate through the murky marital waters so that they are open and honest with one another and step into marital bliss with their eyes wide open. I discuss topics such as commitment, children, second marriages, timetable to plan a wedding, sample vendor contracts, cohabitation agreements, prenups, same sex marriage and much much more!

Ayana: Awesome! And you also have a movie coming out, “Love, Lies and Litigation.” What is the movie about? Are there any famous co-stars?
Vikki: This started off as fictional book and now turned into a screen play – the movie is in the works and cast members will be revealed in early 2013. Sasha Green Is the main character looking for love through the eyes of her clients- she is practicing divorce attorney in a big firm in NYC. Romance, divorce and scandals are playing out for the audience- it’s a devils wears prada meets sex in the city type of chick lit flick.
Ayana: The world is indeed in need of another chick flick let me tell you and who doesn’t love Sex In the City and the Devil Wears Prada! Now, you have accomplished so many things, but what are you most passionate about?

Vikki: – my site that I created for clients who could not get back into the dating world. It will be all over shortly and warms my heart to know that people all over the county are finding true love.
Ayana: You give single people hope all over the world (laughs) With all of the notoriety and fame that you’ve gained as a result of loaning your legal and professional expertise through media, magazines, public speaking at Universities, I also understand you are a Adjunct Professor at Fordham Law School and have also appeared on several reputable news stations such as CNBC, MSNBC, Fox 5, TAlk Soup on E!, WPIX, CBS, ESPN and many other networks and appearing on HLN/CNN, Fox News and Fox Business Channel weekly, you still manage to give back by volunteering for victims of Domestic Violence as well as the Make A Wish Foundation and Toys for Tots amongst many other organizations, do you have time to date?
Vikki: I believe that we are put on this earth to give back- better your community and less fortunate- it is incumbent upon each of us to find the time. I try to manage my day and fit time for charitable organizations. I was just helping Sandy victims in NYC at an amazing location handing out food, water and blankets to those in need. What I do is such a small part in the grand scheme but every little bit helps.
Ayana: Indeed it does. Now shifting the interview into Diva mode a little bit lets talk about today’s woman. What major attribute do you believe that today’s woman is lacking when it comes to dating and trying to find a mate?
Vikki: Fixing mistakes from prior relationships. Instead of rebounding its crucial to look in the mirror and be honest with yourself and correct those things that you do not want to repeat in your next relationship. Characteristic traits, bad habits and modifying you communicate. It’s easier to say to someone you love when you said ___ it hurt my feelings vs. you jerk- why did you say that to me- small languaging changes can really impact a relationship for the better, But it takes work and repetition. If you want to be happy you need the proper tools to get you there!
Ayana: I agree, because honey this mouth of mines???? My verbal intercourse is crazy but I’ve learned to say, ”What you did hurt my feelings,” as opposed to saying, “Your an asshole you know that?” (laughter) What are some mistakes you believe some women make in terms of choosing a mate?
Vikki: Going after the wrong guy- attracted to the bad boy- instead of a good guy that treats them nicely- be attracted to a person for who they are and what they stand for vs. what they look like or their bank account- those things can fade fast!
Ayana: Do you believe that a person isn’t trust worthy if they aren’t willing to sign a pre-nup?
Vikki: No sometimes people don’t understand the reason behind signing a prenup – they are to protect a person’s assets in the event of death or divorce. You can exempt what was earned before the marriage and pool assets together after the marriage by putting them in joint name. I think people are misinformed about what a prenup is and how it can help both parties if crafted properly.
Ayana: Why do you believe that signing a pre-nup is necessary in marriage?
Vikki: If you have a family owned business, out earn your partner, have real estate before you wed, take care of family members, have a great deal of debt these are all reasons that a person may think about preparing prenup – it can help reduce acrimony and legal costs down the road in the event of divorce. Parties are able to sculpt their own divorce without the laws of the state dictating who gets what. I know I would rather create my own deal now in a prenup that I can live with vs. a Judge ordering a decision that I cannot.
Ayana: Can a person that doesn’t have much to lose financially benefit from signing a pre-nup or should this practice only be reserved for the wealthy and beyond?
Vikki: Prenups can be for couples where either may inherit wealth in the future such as a business, property etc or where they believe one will out earn down the road- you can draft a prenup that keeps assets and income separate but if they decide to pool money jointly then can certainly do that as well. It gives couples more control over their personal income and assets rather than once your wed following the laws of the state as they define them.
Ayana: What is some advice you can offer to the single woman who is “looking?”
Vikki: Make sure you are over your ex. Get a makeover- mentally and physically. Clean your skeletons out of your closet. Start exercising. Write in a journal- what are you looking for in man? why are you appealing? What must you still work on? Get referrals from family and friends- go online and create a stellar profile – go out and be active- never say no to an invite… EVER! You never know when or where you will meet your match.
Ayana: Awesome tips! I’m definitely going to take heed to the working out and not turning down invites! ahahaa! Do you think today’s woman is overly dependent? Is there such a thing?
Vikki: Some – yes- I am very independent but I think it’s a factor in the way you are raised. I believe you should depend on yourself first and foremost- then some one else- start a list of goals that you alone want to obtain- you will feel great when you can accomplish them on your own!
Ayana: What qualities do you think men appreciate and are looking for in women?
Vikki: Strong, independent, successful, sexy, go getter who is smart and funny and doesn’t mind poking fun at herself
Ayana: What are 3 things that every woman should look for in a man, when considering seriously dating or marriage?
Vikki: Every woman should want a man who is kind, stable and interesting!
Ayana: What are your beliefs about the entire institution of marriage?
Vikki: It is a wonderful thing if two people want to make it work. Its like a paycheck- you must work hard and continue to reinvent and recreate yourself to stay fresh and employed. Be interested in your partner, put your partnership first, never fight in public, love unconditionally, communicate kindly,…honor the sanctity of marriage
Ayana: Vikki, you are definitely the epitome of a Diva and it was my pleasure to have interviewed you so that I may share with our readers all that you do! I hope that someone out there who is reading this can benefit from your services, I know I can! Please leave our readers with some advice on love, life and money.
Vikki: Respect your partner, focus on your partners happiness, compliment your partner often, support your partner in good and bad times, don’t ignore red flags, work on them as no one is perfect- accept that the only person you can change is yourself, hold monthly meetings about money, air out your financial laundry- the good, the bad and the ugly, do not make financial assumptions- talk to one another about your attitudes towards money and hire experts to consult with to help you invest and grow your money together.