One Day My Soul Just Opened Up….

Sep 20, 2016 by

One day, right? I was up, milling about,doing my usual thing.  What’s my usual thing you ask? Well, working the 9 to 5, writing 2, 3 books at a time, chasing a dream, raising a kid, maintaining a life, writing out vision boards, living my ass off, starting a business, maintaining my sanity, fighting off demons, crushing old thoughts, swinging at past pains hating on my new journey and what not. Because you know the old shit never wants to leave so you can make room for the new shit right? Every day it’s a constant struggle to not be who you once were, to find a better way, to be a better person to open your life up to experience new things and to not hold on to grudges so that your hands can catch these blessings. You ever thought about how draining that shit is?  When you feel as if you are tired for no reason, honey there is a reason! Your mind is always running, thinking, working, that shit is draining as all hell.

The mere action of trying to survive and be genuinely happy, not just social media happy takes a lot of effort, time, soul searching, isolation and truth.  I feel like allz my life I had to fight for some stability, some joy, some consistent positivity. I couldn’t figure out why the happiness didn’t stay for too long, why these periods of sadness and loneliness would overwhelm me, even if I was in love at the time or surrounded by friends or getting accolades for my work or accomplishing goals. I couldn’t understand it. So I prayed and wrote and meditated. I stepped back, I isolated myself from whoever my energy resisted.  I began to take myself seriously.

I then realized it started with me. I had to get strict with what I allowed, who and what I listened to, what I read,what I absorbed, what I believed …and believed in.  Once I stopped blaming people and put the blame on me 100% things just changed.  One day my soul just opened up!
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Honey yes, dead ass it happened just like that!  When the powers that be and the Universe received the message that I was serious about my shit and wanted OUT of this way of being, thinking, living and when I stopped trying to control everything and every one around me and when I stopped allowing and when I stopped seeking closure and answers from the same sources that created the chaos and when I stopped putting my peace in the hands of people who caused me to lose it in the first place… I began to see things differently, sorta like Ace Boogie in Paid In Full. I was out the game, I was done playing with my sanity.  I began to walk different, talk different, breathe different.  When I changed, the things around me changed, the people surrounding me changed.  I lost folks, I gained folks, but I noticed that when I began taking care of me and I stopped holding on to hurt and staying stuck in the past and I kicked that nasty habit of being addicted to a certain kind of sadness? Man! Life just changed!

It’s like all the mental clutter dissolved, half the things I use to stress about? I couldn’t even remember! It was like everything was getting wiped out of my memory to make room for better memories, a better quality of memories, no more sad thoughts, bad thoughts, stressful thoughts!  I felt lighter, I had a pep in my step, I was the shit! What!?!?

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And so I walked with that confidence, talked with that confidence, it drew people in and pushed others out. Things that use to hurt me didn’t hurt any more, things that use to bother me didn’t bother me any more. Folks that use to get under my skin couldn’t reach me any more, because I made the decision to change instead of waiting on other people to change in order to make me happy. I stopped putting people in charge of my moods.  Once you let that hurt go, you see things totally different.  You also get to see the people in your life who are a reflection of what you use to be, how you use to act and that clarity will have you making some really important decisions in life.

One day I looked at an old lover, someone who really, honestly, truly broke my heart.   He was the one guy in my life that I wanted that showed me he didn’t want me.  He had no  problem letting me know just how much he didn’t give a fuck.  I never had that happen before. I was never so determined to want a man that I knew didn’t want me.  But at that time in my life I needed something, even if it was a damn lie.  He hurt me… initially that’s what I told myself and others but then I realized no, you hurt yourself Ayana.  You tried to control his actions by giving him something that he didn’t need, at least not from you, something he didn’t want or ask you for and you got hurt when he rejected you.  Yet, I held on to that pain for some years and he was somewhere not giving a fuck.

But in the process of letting shit go, one day he spoke to me and I didn’t feel that anger and shame raise up in my chest like it use to.  I was okay.  Was  I a fool? Did I still want him? NO.  I realized then that I was healed, I was free!  Free from all sorts of pains and nuances. And once I freed myself blessings flowed in. Blessings that I had been blocking, the simple blessing of being happy.  Because like tall buildings that block the sun from coming through your window, once I moved those buildings, the sun came shining in.  A joy I never had emerged.  A peace I been praying for became present and I missed no one, wanted no one, longed for no one except myself.  I couldn’t get enough of myself, I was falling so deeply in love with myself, I made a vow to never ever let myself go!  I realized that I had been looking for Ayana all this time, in every one else and here I was all along, strapped with all the tools necessary to be genuinely happy.  Ain’t that about a bitch?

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So if you find yourself chasing a high, a person or something that you just can’t seem to catch? It’s probably because what you are looking for elsewhere, is right on your person.  But you may not be able to recognize that because of the people and situations you harp on that’s blocking you from you.

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